I read this quote from Brene Brown today in the book Daring Greatly. It gave me pause to consider the place of roles and responsibilities in my life. In an effort to escape my fears and insecurities, I’ve often contemplated the idea of abandoning traditional roles and responsibilities themselves. If shame and fears come from the pressure we put on relationships, why not just stop putting any pressure? The following quote from someone I respect seemed to reinforce that.
One of the most powerful ways that our shame triggers get reinforced is when we enter into a social contract based on these gender straightjackets. Our relationships are defined by men and women saying, ‘I’ll play my role, and you play yours.’ One of the patterns revealed by the research was how all that role playing becomes almost unbearable around midlife. Men feel increasingly disconnected, and the fear of failure becomes paralyzing. Women are exhausted, and for the first time they begin to clearly see that the expectations are impossible. The accomplishments, accolades, and acquisitions that are a seductive part of living by this contract start to feel like a Faustian bargain.
Remembering that shame is the fear of disconnection–the fear that we’re unlovable and we don’t belong–makes it easy to see why so many people in midlife overfocus on their children’s lives, work sixty hours a week, or turn to affairs, addiction, and disengagement. We start to unravel. The expectations and messages that fuel shame keep us from fully realizing who we are as people.
Perhaps expectations and roles are to blame for my fears and deep insecurities. Perhaps I should do away with having expectations of others, and with committing to roles in my life. Yet, when I say this plainly, it’s own folly becomes apparent. When people work together, they communicate their respective responsibilities and they make a commitment to do their part. Work doesn’t get accomplished otherwise, and neither can two people make any collective effort without taking on roles. Taking on a role means taking on a responsibility, putting yourself in a vulnerable place by taking the risk of allowing others to depend on you. It’s this very act of role-taking that reinforces relationships and deepens them. Like the commitment of marriage.
Brene contends (and I agree) that connection and relationship are paramount to a wholehearted lifestyle. So, abandoning roles or expectations in your life would be the opposite of what she is trying to communicate.
She is pointing to something else. She is talking about role-playing. When we take on roles that we never committed to, when we unconsciously accept responsibilities that we never wanted, we start to get in trouble. There are many expectations our society would like to put on our lives that are unreasonable, and that when stated plainly we would never agree to. These are the kind of expectations that come from others who feel they are not worthy of love.
For example, I would not agree to a mandate to never cry. I wouldn’t agree with the idea that success is directly related to the amount of money you make, or your marriage status. Yet these are expectations that society places on me as a man. I’ve lived under this pressure before to my own increasing shame. There’s a social pressure to revere our country, and to be intolerant of people who do not. I fundamentally do not live like that, and if I took on those roles–if I were role-playing the model citizen man–perhaps I would learn to hate myself and have the same breakdown that Brene describes. These are not healthy expectations but destructive ones, because they are rooted in hiding: the opposite of connection. The problem with shame is not expectations; it’s bad expectations. The problem is not roles, it’s avoidance.
Lately I’ve been asking people a simple question to get to know them better. “Do you like the person you’re becoming?” It hints at the crux here, which every person needs to wrestle with. Am I living my life or just role-playing it?
