Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.
These definitions are crucial to understanding how we become disconnected in our lives and how to change. Living a connected life ultimately is about setting boundaries, spending less time and energy hustling and winning over people who don’t matter, and seeing the value of working on cultivating connection with family and close friends.
I immediately thought to myself, upon reading this section of Daring Greatly, of the scripture in 1 Corinthians where Paul expresses:
Though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible.
Brene encourages her readers that we ought to stop trying to win people over (who don’t matter) but Paul says he was trying to win as many as possible. Perhaps it’s from listening to Paul that Christians feel imbalanced and burned out? Or perhaps it’s from listening to Brene that people learn to be apathetic and content with the state of our broken world. I think there’s something to learn from both.
She isn’t talking about not caring about the outside world. It’s important to note that she’s spending her life proselytizing the Wholehearted life, so clearly she’s not advocating that we drop our concern for changing the world and focus inwardly. She’s not making a point about how we ought to concern ourselves with the bigger problems of society, but about where we fundamentally get our security. If we are not secure in our closest relationships, and if we don’t cultivate a sense of belonging in our own bodies, we aren’t doing ourselves any good by seeking it in “winning” people over.
Interestingly enough, Paul hints at the same thing. When he says “I am free and belong to no man” he is emphasizing the fact that he doesn’t get his security from winning people. He already has his freedom and he already has his belonging. Winning people over for the gospel doesn’t make his life worthwhile, and it doesn’t give him his belonging; He had already been given that in Christ.
We would be wise to do both as well. Cultivate a deep connection and concern for who God made you to be, understanding freedom in Christ, then use it to change the world. Don’t reverse the order, and don’t neglect either.
