I have to write this down; it’s just a shred of a thought, but it seems important. Relationships are comprised of many commitments, and it seems the mismanagement, miscommunication, or lack of understanding of these often make relationships fall apart. I’ve attempted to categorize and put words to these to help myself (and perhaps you) be a better friend.
Let’s simplify it to this: in all relationships we have expectations and responsibilities, and responsibilities are either boundaries orpromises (commitments).
Expectations
Let’s say you expect that a friend call you when they arrive safely home (from a flight). You may consider this to be the responsible thing to do, and that they owe it to you. Not only will you be hurt when they don’t meet your expectation, but you’ll also believe they did wrong and cast judgment on them. The truth is, their lack of attention to this aspect of the relationship may not have been anything wrong at all.
Expectations are those aspects of a relationship which we consider important but aren’t agreed upon as such. Anything you expect that’s not defined by authority (scripture, society, parents…), or agreed upon with that person, are simply expectations. They can’t be anything more, and thus others can’t be held responsible for failing to meet them.
Expectations can hurt when they aren’t met, so we’re tempted to do away with them entirely. However, expectations for relationships are important when you think of it more like “standards”. Everyone should have a standard for the type of relationships they invest in and draw their life from, because otherwise they might find themselves surrounded by people who are not mutually beneficial. That’s why when people talk about negative expectations, they usually add an adjective such as “unreasonable expectations” or “unfair expectations”.
Responsibilities
Responsibilities, on the other hand, are things which have been mutually agreed to. They may have agreed as part of an understanding within a group of friends or a community, or agreed to as individuals to one another. Things such as “I take out the trash every week and you wash the towels” among roommates, or “I’ll call you tomorrow at noon”. Once an understanding is established, you’re responsible for it.
I would further characterize responsibilities into two categories: Freedom-restraining vs. freedom-conceding, or simply boundaries vs. promises. Boundaries are restraints of freedom on the other person’s behalf. You choose not to do something. It’s an important distinction that it merely restrains freedom, because what you’re committing to is simply to do anything except one thing. This type of responsibility leaves you free to do anything else, and as such is common among all depths of relationships. Promises, however, are pledges to do something specific and thus a concession of freedom. You’re committing yourself to doing one thing specifically, and you only typically do this with close or high priority relationships.
Boundaries
Boundaries are usually expressed as “Do not’s” like “Please don’t call me after 11pm,” “I’d rather you didn’t talk to me for a few days,” or “Don’t touch me.” Most cultural and societal responsibilities are expressed as boundaries: for instance, laws almost universally are boundaries. They tell you what you can’t do, not what you have to do. And this makes sense, fundamentally, because boundaries are just formalized expectations. Restraining your freedom for someone else’s sake is an expression of mutual respect and commitment to peace. More importantly, boundaries are a condition of relationship; they’re the conditions that must be met in order to build further. Being a citizen of the US is conditional on me submitting to the boundaries (laws) of the country. Having a relationship with someone is conditional on my agreeing to their boundaries.
The importance of following boundaries are described by the following scriptures in the Bible.
“Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the king.”
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
1 Peter 2:17
Romans 12:18
Promises
Promises are expressed as “I wills” like “I will call you at 11pm,” “I’ll talk to you every Thursday,” or “I’ll make sure to do my dishes tonight.” Usually, promises are a response to people expressing needs or expectations. When you desire to help or meet those needs, you commit to doing something about it as an expression of love. Promises are inherently unconditional, since they’re a choice you freely make, not something you are have to do.
It’s important to note that the responsibility for a promise is tied to how it’s communicated, and the best relationships are those where our communication is reliable. We know we’re reliable when we don’t have to go out of our way to convince others that we’ll do the things we communicate, we just say it plainly and it happens. Consider the following scriptures.
“If a man vows a vow to the Lord, or swears an oath to bind himself by a pledge, he shall not break his word. He shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth.”
Lord, who may dwell in your sacred tent? Who may live on your holy mountain? The one … who keeps an oath even when it hurts, and does not change their mind”
“All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.”
“Above all, my brothers and sisters, do not swear—not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. All you need to say is a simple “Yes” or “No.” Otherwise you will be condemned.”
Numbers 30:2 ESV
Psalm 15:1,4
Matthew 5:37
James 5:12
Boundaries vs. Promises
Think of it this way: If you follow boundaries you show respect; if you keep your promises you show integrity. Giving good boundaries shows humility; accepting others’ promises shows trust. They represent different character traits in responsible relationship building. Many people are great at respecting other people’s boundaries, but hesitate to make promises or don’t follow through on them. Others disrespect boundaries while being great promise keepers.
Here’s a quick outline of the differences we’ve discussed:
| A Boundary | A Promise | |
|---|---|---|
| Sounds Like: | “I won’t…” | “I will…” |
| Is: | Conditional | Unconditional |
| Is For: | Anyone, Community | Committed Relationships |
| You: | Accept Boundaries which shows Respect | Keep Promises which shows Integrity |
| And You: | Give Boundaries which shows Humility | Believe Promises which shows Trust |
| Builds: | Common Ground | Commitment |
What’s The Big Deal?
I believe understanding these differences can help us pinpoint and acknowledge our own failures in relationship building. Let’s explore a few ways that this understanding of relationship-building can be twisted.
Giving Commitments
Instead of giving boundaries
Have you ever had someone yell at you: “stop telling me what to do!”? Perhaps it’s because you’re giving commitments (promises) instead of giving boundaries. It’s reasonable and just to give someone else a boundary, but it is rarely reasonable to give someone else a commitment. It’s because of freedom. Giving someone a boundary (a responsibility with regards to you to not do something) does not demand that they concede their freedom, it merely restrains or redirects it. But giving someone a promise (a responsibility to do something specific) is telling them how to use their freedom. It’s disrespectful because it makes them feel like they have no choice, like their will is not being considered. It’s not a pleasant experience, and is generally only acceptable inside the confines of a previous agreement (such as children to their parents, or workers to their boss).
Here’s a simple example: asking someone to not call you after 11pm is very different than telling them to call you at 11pm. Both are placing a responsibility on someone else, but the first is a reasonable boundary while the second is a demand. Now, it’s not a crazy demand and most people would agree to it, but that’s exactly the point. We must agree to a commitment before we’re responsible for it. In relationships, we are only responsible for the promises we agree to, but we’re responsible to all the boundaries we are aware of. They’re fundamentally different.
Making Promises Conditionali
Instead of accepting people’s commitments as gifts
Have you ever heard something like: “If you’re nice to me, I’ll be nice to you, simple as that.” Or perhaps you’ve heard: “After all I’ve done for you, you still don’t care!” On the surface, these trade-offs sound reasonable, but it’s a recipe for destruction. They’ve taken a choice that must come from free-will, a promise, and made it into a condition upon which to act and judge actions.
This is one of the quickest ways to end a relationship and here’s why: that person has no moral obligation to choose you. When you try to make their choice an obligation, you’re taking away the joy of doing it, and making it more likely that they’ll choose someone else (and not be wrong for doing it). A choice to serve or love someone that goes above and beyond the boundaries defining your general conduct is always an act of grace, and it’s important that we recognize, and are grateful, for those who choose us.
And Others
I’m not going to try to explain every circumstance here, so I hope you get the picture…
Here’s the kicker. Boundaries in relationships are everywhere, and they must be respected. Boundaries are the foundation that allows a relationship to build, and they are what hold societies and communities together. But it’s only through unconditional promise, through commitment, that love finds it’s home in a relationship.
