A friend pointed out to me recently that men will often tell women that they aren’t interested in pursuing a relationship because the woman is not attractive to them. However, women won’t mention that point when expressing the same feelings. Men apparently feel comfortable saying “I just don’t find you attractive” when putting someone in the friend zone, but women will explain every other reason before saying that.
I got curious and started thinking about it. Is that true? Do guys care more about women being attractive in relationships or is there something else going on here? What does a guy even mean when he says that someone isn’t attractive?
Missing the Point
So, I’ve never told a woman that I didn’t find her attractive. Generally, I have other reasons for not being interested, and physical attraction is just an introduction really. If someone is attractive, they’re more likely to get my attention (that’s what attractive means). However, serious interest is another thing entirely. I’ve told women that I wasn’t interested because of age difference, differences in values or goals, and even familiarity like “I think of you like my sister, and not someone I’m interested in romantically.” I’m not sure I’ve even been put in a situation where I had to talk to someone about their pursuit (where it’s gotten that far) when I had so little physical attraction that it would be an issue.
Now, I’m curious how my heart would handle someone telling me that they didn’t find me physically attractive. I told this friend that maybe it wouldn’t be that big of a deal, because I’m confident that even if someone didn’t find me attractive, there are others that will. But if we had an established enough relationship to have this conversation, I would be surprised if that were the deal-breaker.
In fact, anyone who’s having this conversation should probably have gotten past this point. If they weren’t attractive enough for you to consider, why are you here? Perhaps you are long-term friends and now there’s some interest developing on one side, that the other never considered because they don’t think you’re attractive.
What is attractive anyways?
Being “attractive” is more than just physical qualities. I think a guy might say this if he just doesn’t feel a certain attraction to her, but perhaps women may be more likely to interpret that it’s physical than what he intends. I know there are people who’s personality and looks are very attractive – would I be able to discern which is the reason for the attractiveness? Perhaps, but probably not. They go hand-in-hand. I think if a woman is told she’s not attractive by a guy, it shouldn’t be taken as only physical, because it’s a whole vibe. It could be the way you talk, your posture, your attitude, your laugh/smile/eyes, your humor, or your preferences. It’s so different for every guy that to chalk it up to looks seems to be a mistake.
I’ve met someone who was unattractive to me because of how they took selfies, or because of what they ordered, or because of how much make-up they wore. There’s also physical things I find generally unattractive, but not necessarily because they just don’t look good, but because they seem to be indicative of certain life choices that I feel ambivalent about. For instance, someone who wears a lot of make-up has no edge for me. Sometimes, it makes them less attractive because (subconsciously) it makes me think of all the time and effort that goes into looks, and the same can be said for certain fashion choices, or home decor. I don’t live like this, and I’m less attracted to it. This is also true of weight – I’m mostly attracted to thinner/athletic women, because it’s indicative of a certain set of values regarding self-care that I value highly. I will not get along with someone who refuses to eat healthy, exercise, or who overeats. I just know it. (Many women have a healthy biological weight, and I have to check myself and not be critical, but it’s not so hard when they have other attractive qualities.) But even all these things are subject to personality and character. It’s just not so clear-cut as we might think.
The reality is, I’ve met guys who first like women who are funny, or awkward, or academic, or sweet. None of these qualities are physical, but they all fall into the quality of “attractive”. Perhaps we need to relax on trying to be more generally attractive, and just be the most attractive version of ourselves. You never know who or what people are going to be attracted to, so don’t sweat it.
The “Most Attractive You”
As opposed to the “Attractive to Most You”
Certain qualities are pretty much always attractive: confidence, concern, capability, and health. These are things everyone can work on, and are things you ought to embrace as a path towards a good relationship.
Here’s a suggestion of what everyone should and shouldn’t do about their own attractiveness.
- Be confident about what you do. Sometimes, being confident about what you do is more important than always getting it right. People like people who feel comfortable in their own shoes; insecure people frighten people. Don’t focus on being attractive, focus on being content.
- Show concern for what you do. People are drawn to passionate people who care about what they do (and especially to passionate people with whom they share concern). Don’t be passionate about finding someone, be passionate about something and do it with people.
- Develop the capability to do something well. People like skilled people (you know: nun-chuck skills, bow-hunting skills, computer hacking skills). Different skills are attractive for everyone, just be good at something. Be good at something, even if it’s uncool or niche.
- Stay healthy. Take care of what you have, even if you think it’s “unattractive”. You aren’t going to be given another body, and the healthiest version of yourself is going to be the most attractive. Strive to look good in 30 years, not 30 days.
